#YesAllMen
How the patriarchy has made men natural-born performers
Photo by Anete Lusina from Pexels
It has now been over a year since COVID-19 has kept us indoors. It has been a year full of changes like face masks, equidistant stickers on floors, and a really confusing use of colour-coding; however, it’s the societal and systemic changes that have affected me most.
As a queer, cisgendered, white man, I continue to spend a lot of time to reflect on my privileges, as well as the space I take up in my friend groups and the industries I work in. It has been a challenging, rewarding, embarrassing, and enlightening process. So I would like to take a moment to give a ginormous shoutout to all my friends and colleagues of the BIPOC and trans communities. Thank you for sharing and giving opportunities for myself and for others to grow. I acknowledge the patience and energy required to self-advocate, but I’m grateful for all the opportunities I had to learn this year.
Speaking of privilege, I left International Women’s History Month feeling a lot of ways. As always, the news fills up with instances of violence and harassment against women, arguments that shouldn’t still be arguments are frequent on socials, but the one aspect in particular that aggravates me the most goes by the hashtag #notallmen.
A brief history of #notallmen aka The Reason I am Writing This Post
Before we move on, I will be frequently referencing the patriarchy, misogyny and toxic masculinity. These terms are complex and intersectional so I will quickly drop the definitions I will be working from to clarify my use of these terms.
Patriarchy
A system of society or government in which men hold the power and women are largely excluded from it. (oxford)
Toxic Masculinity
A set of attitudes and ways of behaving stereotypically associated with or expected of men, regarded as having a negative impact on men and on society as a whole. (oxford)
Misogyny
Hatred of, aversion to, or prejudice against women. (merriam webster)
#Notallmen is a trashtag that began in the early 2000’s and is often used as a rebuttal to invalidate the claims of women who have experienced sexism, misogyny, gender-based harassment and/or violence. It presents itself in phrases like:
“Not all men are sexist!” or “Not all men sexually harass women.”
While #notallmen has been partially reclaimed by feminist movements who use it satircally, the hashtag is often used unironically by men. Men use it as a diversion tactic to avoid difficult conversations and to absolve themselves of any responsibility over their privilege. What it ultimately does is sabotage the attempts women make to include men in the conversation of gender inequality and stunts the progress we are trying to make. It is a classically toxic masculine behaviour that men use to avoid processing the harm they are potentially capable of or have been guilty of in the past.
While any reasonable person would agree that over-generalizations and sweeping statements are not fair, fully true, or valid as a base for an argument, I counter #notallmen with a #yesallmen. While I am known to be a little saucy from time to time, I make that statement with 100% conviction. I truly believe that all men are capable of misogyny and sexism. This is not a judgement of anyone’s character, this is not me saying men are villains, or should be blamed and shamed. It is an undeniable reality that we live in a patriarchal society. All men, whether consciously or not, are capable of misogyny and more likely than not, that capability has presented itself at some point in their lifetime. Our society has literally programmed us to accept and perform toxically masculine ideologies and behaviours that are deemed acceptable. These issues are complex and can be a little chicken or the egg at times. I don’t believe I’m profound or that I have uncovered this huge secret, but as I continue to hear these #notallmen stories and I am continuing to see these behaviours in my place of work: the opera sector.
How does it affect the Opera Industry (where do I even begin)?
So why am I, an opera singer, on an opera blog speaking about it today? While pretty much everything is deeply rooted with sexists practices, I feel like the opera sector is the textbook case study. Antiquated tropes such as men stepping back after bows to let women leave the stage first, or not letting women move set pieces or furniture around on set demonstrate the deep roots of sexism in the industry. The even more harmful tactics of body shaming, career thereating, harassment, and assault do work to further perpetuate how ingrained sexism is in opera. This is often due hierarchy of power (i.e. conductors, directors, boards) being primarily male. This is not news, it is unfortunately fact, but I believe there is hope and I believe opera will evolve if we make changes.
In preparation for writing this article I reached out to several of my female colleagues to get their thoughts and opinions on toxic masculinity and misogyny in our sector. I asked for some experiences they felt comfortable sharing with me to give some more context. While I have heard these stories time and time again, I hoped by collecting data and testimony I could glean some deeper truths to lean solutions against.
Stop, Start & Continue
Most of the experiences my colleagues shared revolved around men struggling to remain in control - shocker, I know. Whether it be a man asserting his manhood to cover his insecurities, or viewing conversations as a threat to his authority, the harm they cause is heavy but the veil they try to hide behind is quite thin. For men, it seems the performing never stops and our role requires total power, control, intelligence, and strength.
These feelings obviously stem from the competition men are programmed to be a part of a need to always be the smartest, richest, strongest, manliest. The belief is if a man relinquishes his power to a woman, his manhood goes with it. As men, we will compromise our character and the comfort of others to maintain our position; harming ourselves and everyone around us. What we don’t always see is the benefit equality has for us all. By breaking down these gender-constructs and power dynamics we not only create equal space for women, but we shrink the space men feel they need to fill. This is by no means excusing us of our actions, but simply shedding light on the root.
One of my colleagues said, “This isn’t about blame or making people feel bad. We are aware that patriarchy and toxic masculinity are traps set for men. It is easy to fall in. But if someone lets you know about the trap and you choose to fall in, then it is 100% your responsibility.”
I believe the first step of addressing these issues is awareness and moving forward with a stop, start & continue strategy is a good launching point. These suggestions were collected from the responses I gathered from my colleagues and presented as I understood them.
Stop
Commenting on women’s appearances
Asking to carry the heavy furniture for them
Bringing our insecurities into the rehearsal/performance space (find a therapist or a buddy)
Removing ourselves from conversations on feminism and sexism
Taking these conversations personally
Threatening women’s safety or job security
Policing women’s tone and emotions
Expecting women to be “nice” to us
Speaking over women
Expecting women to walk on eggshells around our emotions
Start/Continue
Listening to women
Respecting their space, body, and comfort
Having these conversations with our colleagues
Acknowledging our privilege
Reading up on toxic masculinity
Creating space for women in positions of leadership
Creating opportunities for female composers, directors, conductors and other creatives
Holding leaders responsible for enabling sexism, sexual harassment, poor male behavior
Embracing the discomfort of these conversations
Using our privilege to support women
Asking for content during staging and off-stage
The Process of Change & the Kindness of Confrontation
I grew up surrounded by women. Most of my friends were women, I lived primarily with my mother and I grew up with four sisters. I jokingly say I grew up in a colony of women. My sister closest in age did her best to instill feminist frameworks in my mind. I never got to the point of #notallmen, but I did feel like I was very unlikely to harm women. However, the reality is that I am a man, in a man’s world, and I am not immune.
I thank my colleagues for responding so graciously and with kindness. My ask was large and if I could do it differently, I would. I value the responses and conversations I had but I decided to issue an apology after I received the final response. It came late because my colleague found the questions very difficult to answer. In her response she shared that she was disappointed by some of my questions as they had been asked before and were triggering. I messaged her to apologize and we called to talk it out.
She spoke about the necessity of these conversations and the general discomfort they can create. She said we need to create not just safe spaces, but brave spaces where it is okay to make mistakes as long as it is in pursuit of growth and lead with kindness and understanding. This is the message I hope men take away. Men have to be a part of these conversations. Don’t derail or divert by saying #notallmen or “I would never, I’m a feminist.” Understand that most women are tired that these conversations are not further along. Enter these conversations with an awareness of the imbalance of privilege. Enter by listening first, and speaking later.
I acknowledge that I was fortunate to have someone willing to guide me, correct my behaviour and help me grow. In these conversations kindness is a privilege, and should be seen as such.
Donate if you can
I asked my colleagues if there were some women’s organizations they would like me to make a donation in their name. If you would like to donate to these organizations as well, they are listed below:
Butterfly - Support Asian and Migrant Sex Workers
Interval House - Putting and end to intimate partner violence
Maggie's - Toronto Sex Worker's Action Project
Sources
Plank, Liz. For the Love of Men: from Toxic to a More Mindful Masculinity. St. Martin's Griffin, 2021.
Sexton, Jared Yates. The Man They Wanted Me to Be: Toxic Masculinity and a Crisis of Our Own Making. Counterpoint, 2020.
Weiss, S. (2016, July 09). 6 reasons "not all MEN" misses the point, because It's Derailing important conversations. Retrieved April 08, 2021, from https://www.bustle.com/articles/171595-6-reasons-not-all-men-misses-the-point-because-its-derailing-important-conversations
Daevyd Pepper (he/him)
Co-founder, Opera InReach
